Rusted Sleigh Runners

As Santa heads home for a long winter's nap, Mrs. Claus may want to have some blade wax ready for him. We've had so much rain here that after today's deliveries, he'll need to tend to his sleigh runners before they rust on through.

I've learned some practical stuff about dealing with Christmas this year; in a spirit of magnanimous generosity, I will share this wisdom with all who care to keep reading:

#1 Don't choose the powdered doughnuts from the buffet if you are wearing black trousers. Confectioner's sugar has built-in sensors and short-range levitation capabilities that enable it to fly to dark colored surfaces.

#2 Some gifts are almost worse than receiving no gift at all. It is not that anything is inherently wrong with the gift per se. I certainly don't have any personal animosity against lightly scented bath soap or its companion lip gloss. The problem is that—and I will allow an exception for blind gift exchanges where you must draw numbers and don't know who the recipient might be—receiving a pre-packaged bath set from someone who knows me is like having them scream at me, "I could not care less about you! I had to go waste my precious time and money on this stupid social convention just to keep up appearances so I won't look bad." Except that it doesn't work. The giver will still come off looking like someone who has all the shallowness, the vapidity, and the insipid empathy of a Malibu Barbie doll. In other words, buying pre-packaged selections on the end-aisle display directly across from the checkout just because you "have to give a gift" will make you look like the unimaginative mindless twit that you are. A two-finger rendition of Heart & Soul would be far more impressive. At least there would be some light-hearted irony in being blown off.

#3 Christmas Eve MUST be on the night before Christmas. Our church tried to move it a day earlier to fall on Wednesday this year. I guess the staff is set up for Wednesday night services and they probably figured that holding two evening services in a row was asking too much. But it is wrong to short-sheet Christmas Eve. When half your family is employed in retail and others must come in from out-of-town, you just can't expect them to show up for a candlelight service a day early. Getting gypped out of a pleasant tradition stinks.

#4 All the effort you put into making happy memories is worth it; if not this year, then someday. When my kids were little, I wanted Christmas to be a happy time for them. Now that they are in their twenties, I am finally reaping the satisfaction of learning that I succeeded. There is something better than seeing a smile on a child's face, and that is having that adult child tell you that they remember smiling.